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Friday, 17 January 2020 03:53

Michelle Buteau

MichelleButeau: I Always Wanted Kids—I Didn’t Realize How Hard It’d Be to Have Them

The First Wives Club star opens up about her journey to become a mom: "I wanted so much to be pregnant that it took over me like a bridezilla for the uterus.”

You've seen Michelle Buteau in movies like Always Be My Maybe, Someone Great, and Isn't It Romantic. Now you can see her in First Wives Club on BET Plus. She’ll also take the stage for Together Live in New York City this fall.

I always wanted to have kids. I knew I wanted to be a mom back when I was still just figuring out word problems in math class. I was an only child, so I wanted to have a crew—people who were related to each other just mixing it up.

My husband and I had a lot of fun together before we started trying for kids. You start having sex with higher meaning, like holding your legs up at the end and hoping it takes. There was a fun element—that feeling of, we might do this. We had a lot of hopeful, fun sex. But then nothing happened. We spent almost a year trying.

I didn’t get my period for two months. I was taking pregnancy tests, but nothing was showing up, so I went to the doctor and took a blood test. The results came in: I had high levels of prolactin, a hormone that controls the production of breast milk, so I was diagnosed with Prolactioma. The condition isn’t life-threatening, but it can cause infertility. Your body thinks you’re pregnant, but you’re not.

I felt like I was being punished for wanting a baby. I was 36 at the time.

I read articles about holistic medicine that said I could still get pregnant on my own with this condition. But by then, sex had became a chore. Work and all the travel that comes with it made it hard to sit and spin on that dick when you want to. We tried for almost another year.

My endocrinologist suggested I see an infertility specialist to talk about IVF. I was sad 

about it—I felt like my body had defeated me. But I met with the doctors at the IVF clinic, and they made it seem possible we could have a baby. Of course, it wasn’t covered by insurance, as if being born female was a pre-existing condition. I felt like I was being punished for wanting a baby. I was 36 at the time.

We did a lot of rounds of IVF. It was insane. I wanted so much to be pregnant that it took over me like a bridezilla for the uterus.

Four or five rounds of IVF and four miscarriages later, I was done. I was exhausted. I didn’t recognize my body. I had cut people out of my life who already had kids. My husband and I started looking to sell our house and get a smaller place upstate so we could afford a surrogate. My mom eventually stepped in and helped us financially, and I was elated—but also sad. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, but I hit a wall and couldn’t do it anymore. I was glad that someone else could. So even though I felt sad, I also felt free.

I wanted so much to be pregnant that it took over me like a bridezilla for the uterus.

In New York, it’s illegal to use a surrogate unless you’re related to the person, so we drove three hours to Pennsylvania to visit our surrogacy agency. We met one surrogate who had six kids and was willing to help. It’s pure light when someone says they want to help a stranger in need for the greater good. We started going to ob-gyn appointments with her. We were so invested. And then, the day of the transfer implantation with the embryos, the doctor said there were complications and we couldn’t move forward. It was like having a miscarriage all over again.

We found another surrogate. I was filming Always Be My Maybe in Vancouver at the time, so I couldn’t meet her but told her, “Godspeed.” It was a crazy mindfuck because in the film, I was playing a pregnant person right as someone else was getting impregnated with my DNA. In the elevator, people would ask me if I wanted to be pregnant. I’d say, “One day. We’re trying.”

People can be so judgmental about surrogacy. They think you’re rich because you’re getting a surrogate. Or you’re doing it to keep your body intact. People would ask why I’d have a child in Donald Trump’s America. My response to them: “Please never come over, unfollow, unsubscribe.”

Just because you don’t do this part of the journey doesn’t make you less of a mom or a woman.

Thankfully, the embryos took and my surrogate became pregnant with my twins. Nine months later, when I held my babies for the first time, it was wild. It was insane, over the top. There’s not one word you can use to describe it. It was a marathon of emotions. I was so tired, but had finally reached this goal. They are two souls who joined the world, and it will forever change us. I have girl-boy twins who are now seven months old and just learning how to crawl. Hazel is more compact and crawling, and Otis is my bigger baby boy. He’s not sure what to do with his big head.

Motherhood is fast and furious, but it’s also helped me to slow down and taste the rosé. The biggest challenge of motherhood is time management. When I’m with my babies, I think that I should finish that writing thing, but I also want to see how they eat their newest baby food. While I was filming Always Be My Maybe with Ali Wong, she’s finishing a book, doing rewrites, starring in a movie, all while her babies are with her and she’s still pumping. And she’s exercising every day. She is one of the most hardworking moms I know.

Becoming a mom is not easy for everyone, but it is possible. Just because you don’t do this part of the journey doesn’t make you less of a mom or a woman. You decide emotionally what you can handle in your relationship with your surrogate. You take the shame out of it, and no one can put anything over you. The biggest thing about it all is don’t beat yourself up

From Glamour Article by Minhae Shim Roth

Learn More About International Surrogacy In Ukraine:

Delivering Dreams helps couples throughout the world struggling with infertility have children. Located in NJ and Kyiv and Lviv, Ukraine, our amazing medical facilities and professionals, surrogates and donors are in Ukraine, because Ukrainian law protects the rights of parents and their children from inception at affordable costs and high success rates.

Unique to Delivering Dreams, we offer guaranteed not to exceed, all-inclusive pricing and contracts under US law to provide prospective parents legal and financial security.

1 in 6 couples are struggling with infertility. You are not alone. We want to be your path to parenthood.

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Testimonials

We have been very satisfied, I have been comfortable at the clinic and with my doctor. I was heard. I could ask any questions. I like you have hu-mor, despite the circumstances. Great clinic. Your service has been very good. You have been a huge support and very spacious. You have been available 24 hours a day. You have the answer to all the questions we have been asked. You have accommodated our nervousness, you have rejoiced with us, you have been there throughout. I could not have wished ...
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A and S
The communication with surrogate is easy and better than what we expected. The updates are provided as scheduled with occasional surprises
S
The support was great. It was easy on us that the coordination was done by the delivering dreams team while being completely transparent with us on the progress. The communication with the delivering dreams team was always fast, responsive, and easy.
E and K
Thank you kate. You have been great today and all the other days ❤ you are a great team. We are very satisfied and happy for your help.
Sonny
We were confident before in our choice, but this experience has confirmed beyond any doubt that we choose the best agency.
Doyles
I loved working with Susan and her team and highly recommend them to anyone considering her services. She's is great at every aspect of a process and knows how to handle delicate matters.
Diana Lyakhovetska
Susan truly understands the needs of parents using surrogacy, and offers comprehensive emotional support to parents as they experience the journey!
Christine Hughes Pontier
The team at Delivering Dreams is amazing! Their attention to detail and ability to put your mind at ease while growing your family is like none other. They handled everything for us, and I never once doubted they would help us accomplish our dreams.
Margaret Jones
I’ve known Susan for several years now, and I’ve always been impressed by her attention to her clients’ needs. I’ve known her to work ardently and diligently to solve whatever challenges, no matter how unique, that prevent her clients from completing their families. She is a problem-solver, and she earnestly believes in providing the best options and in making surrogacy opportunities realities: this is not merely a business for Susan. She will help customize the process for your needs and to ...
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Mary Woods
Susan has a keen sense of business and goes to the max to solve her clients’ problems. She is super knowledgeable on business, laws and how things work in surrogacy in general, and specifically on Ukrainian surrogacy. She is an advocate for transparency in a market that’s often opaque and full of hidden risks. I really enjoyed working with Susan. She really pays attention to detail and was always looking out for my best interest above all. Highly recommend!
Laurie Tham
Delivering Dreams goes above and beyond what other surrogacy agencies offer. After speaking with Susan, I see how they anticipate every part of the process, down to details that I had never even considered. I didn’t know what I didn’t know! Surrogacy can be really complicated and confusing. What an amazing sense of relief to have a company so dedicated to managing the WHOLE process and taking away as much of the stress as possible.
Kate Varness
I have gotten to know Susan through a group where we are members. I have found her to be a genuine and caring person. Her consideration for others and love of her work with Ukrainian surrogates and parents-to-be are evident in all her decision making. She is passionate about being a force for the greater good and helping where she can. I have been amazed at the way she is able to smoothly navigate the complicated maze of requirements in the surrogacy process. I am happy to give her my highest...
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Rose Anne Barbour Huck
Susan Kibler is kind.  She clearly loves those she works with and loves what she does.  Susan listens deeply and compassionately and can make you laugh all in the space of one conversation.  She is wonderful!  If you are feeling worried, she'll hear you.  If you have questions, she will find answers for you. If you need help, she does her very best to support you.  I feel so fortunate to have found her and imagine you will too.
Frances Russell
Susan has the ability to really connect on a personal level quickly.  I have found her easy to talk to and have been so grateful for her guidance.  She is one of those people who offers so much to her clients.  She sees the big picture and has a heart for the most intimate concerns.  She is highly skilled and able to manage what can certainly be challenging and uncomfortable experiences, making them feel easier.  She will take charge at the perfect times and guide you when you really need her...
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Susan Seare
The international surrogacy world is complicated. Susan Kibler knows its ins-and-outs. She knows the people and outfits you can trust and the ones to avoid. She insists on the best for her clients and handles the details so they don't have to worry about them. If you want to take the international surrogacy journey, you can trust Delivering Dreams International Surrogacy Agency to guide you on that path.
Nancy Linnerooth
My friend and I had a positive experience working with Susan. Susan is always super responsive and caring. She is very professional, helpful and reliable. My friend has soo much troubles trying having a baby for many years. My friend and her husband were about to give up their dream of having a baby. Susan Kersch Kibler found the way to help. She has unlimited energy, attentive to detail and super efficient. Great to work with!
Polina Clend
Susan is passionate about helping people become families. She is a trustworthy confidant to have on your side.
Kristen Ancker
Our experience with Delivering Dreams has been overwhelmingly positive. The team seems to be genuinely dedicated to helping us to realize our dream of having a child. The constant communication leading up to the trip and the numerous touch points made us feel comforted in what has been a very challenging and uncomfortable situation. We always had streamlined communication through the group chat and was frequently checked on during our stay.
Marilyn

Under Ukrainian law, surrogacy is a legal affordable option for traditionally married couples to have children using their own embryos, or with either an egg or sperm donor. There must be a medical reason you can’t carry a child. You are also able to participate if you have had 4 unsuccessful IVF attempts.

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Under Ukrainian law, surrogacy is a legal affordable option for traditionally married couples to have children using their own embryos, or with either an egg or sperm donor. There must be a medical reason you can’t carry a child. You are also able to participate if you have had 4 unsuccessful IVF attempts.